12 Ways to Keep Your Ego in Check – Shape Your Happiness

We often hear that we “need to keep your ego in check” but rarely are we guided on how to do it. Sure, there are lists that sum them up, but no one really explains the little ins and outs to each step.

Sometimes we get so caught up in everyday events that our egos tend to run rampant. We focus so hard on being the best and getting there first that we let our egos lead our emotional responses. This causes various problems in any given social interaction – whether business or pleasure.

Step 1: Check Your Ego At The Door

So how do we check our egos at the door? How do we go about changing the fundamental part of our humanity that helped us survive this long? How do we edit this part of ourselves that is so intertwined with our identities?

“Get over yourself” has been the most common response in these situations. Often followed by “practice some humility.” While both are valid responses, they tend to rub people the wrong way, making it that much harder to actually follow through on these points.

When left unchecked, your ego grows into arrogance. This is when your ego can and will inhibit your success. Instead of helping you, it will get the best of you and diminish your potential and opportunities.

Your ego has a tendency to get in the way of listening. For example, have you ever just wished for someone to stop talking so you can tell your story? Yes, that’s your ego at work. Ego also has a tendency to get in the way of empathy. When your ego is operating at the forefront, your empathy skills are being displaced, and you will eventually lose true friends.

Unfortunately, it’s not easy to turn your ego off, and you have to be willing to take an incredibly close look at your own mistakes and failures. As with many issues we face, often the approach is more important rather than the actual solution. Understanding each individual step to overcome your ego will be more helpful in the long run.

That being said, not all ego is bad. Ego only becomes a problem when you allow it to grow into arrogance. You’ve undoubtedly heard the popular phrase “full of yourself.” Knowing how to spot this type of arrogance, and how to curb it, will allow you to be a better person

Step 2: Surrender Your Need For Control

The human brain has a tendency to hold tightly to control. It is how we have survived for so long: being able to predict and guide outcomes. If we didn’t, there would be a lot less innovation in the world. We sometimes hold fast to the idea that if we let up for just a second, the world may crash and burn around us. In a very real way, our egos are a part of our survival instincts.

While our egos do form some part of us, it should not define us completely. We are not the things we do. We are not our jobs or the materialistic things we have collected. By focusing on the “surface” things that make up your life, and being bound by an egotistical perspective, you tend to focus on any losses and unhappiness. You will continuously compare yourself to others, being driven by your own desire to be above everyone else. Surrendering this need for control will help you leave your ego at the door.

First things first – let go of the fear of being uncertain. There are some things in life you can control – like what type of cheese to put on your sandwich, or what time you wake up, and there are things in life that you cannot control – like a thunderstorm that struck up out of nowhere, or what someone says to you. Uncertainty helps you learn how to deal with life’s curveballs.

It is better to know how to deal with the unexpected than it is to spend an enormous amount of time and mental effort to avoid it altogether. Uncertainty is scary; it’s the human brain fighting against the reality of not knowing how things will pan out. If you step outside of fear and trust the process that life brings you, the need for control will melt.

Instead, embrace uncertainty. Do something that scares you. Be willing to try something completely new; something that will put you outside your comfort zone. Many great ideas are discarded for the fear of failure. Go write that novel. Start your autobiography. Start a band. Take dancing lessons.

It is often this fear of failure and the lack of being able to truly control outcomes that cause us to hold so tightly to our egos. That little voice inside of each of us that yammers away: “Why should I even try, I’m not good enough,” can instead tell us, “I can do this.”

Instead, surrender, and set yourself free of an ego that holds you back from achieving true success and happiness in life:

Imagine. Picture the way you want things to be. Look ahead to the future, and see that image clearly. You don’t need to have a game plan at this point – just a goal.
Write down your fears. By this, I don’t mean writing down your fear of spiders. Instead, write down fears that are holding you back in life. For example, “I am afraid to ask my boss for a raise,” or “I am afraid to pursue my dream of writing a novel.”
Define. What does being in the moment mean to you? It can mean not using your phone when you take a walk down to your favorite Starbucks. It could mean engaging fully in conversations. It could mean sitting quietly on a park bench, watching the day go by.
Stay grounded. Don’t throw all caution to the wind. Take baby steps.
Embrace trust. Trust yourself and your friends. Trust that you have the ability to change. Trust that you have the ability to do anything you said your mind to. Trust that your real friends will support you.
Affirmations. Saying positive things to yourself will help you stay positive. Be creative and make sure that you are saying something that you can believe in. For example, “I know that I can write a great novel. I have it in me.”
Be proud. Do something to boost your self-esteem. Get a haircut, or do something nice for someone else. Do something that will make you feel good about yourself.
Reach out. If you feel stuck or overwhelmed, admit it and reach out to someone you trust. Do not let your ego push others away. It is okay to admit needing help. It shows a certain strength of character and true strength.
Accept. You are not alone in this struggle – there are people who can help you, and you are not the only important person in the world. You are not the center of the universe, and other people have their own drama to deal with.
What does being free mean to you? Surrendering control will set you on the path to emotional and spiritual freedom. Make a list of what freedom means to you. Does it mean having no credit card debt? Or having your own vehicle to get from point A to B? Perhaps it is something more personal like having an hour extra in the morning for reading.

Step 3: Forgive and Let Go

Forgiveness is essential to personal and spiritual growth. It is also one of the ways to drop your ego. If you let go of the grudge, you let go of your ego.

Accept, let go, and move on.

Forgive the people who hurt you, or wronged you. That feeling of anger and sadness that you carry with you is in your head. It is what fuels your ego. “I was right! They had no right to talk to me that way…” Sound familiar? That is the egotistical voice inside you that pulls the strings. It’s fine to feel justified in your reactions, it is not, however, fine to keep a hold of that feeling and use it as ammunition to stay angry.

Forgiving others may seem incredibly daunting (or, perhaps, just makes you squirm). So how do you move forward with forgiveness of others? Follow these steps:

Move on. Changing direction and moving on to the next moment helps you shift your focus and perspective. Do not allow the negativity to dwell in your mind, sullying the present moment. Imagine that you have the same properties as water. Water finds a different path, no matter how small the crevice, it will find a way through, even if it is the tiniest trickle.
Peaceful sleep. Do not go to bed angry. This can be within the work context or in a personal relationship. Going to sleep angry or agitated disrupts normal dream and sleep patterns.
Study the mirror. Do not shift blame. If something goes sour, do not immediately blame someone else. Take the time to understand how your own decisions and actions affected the outcome. Understand how you can change future responses by taking responsibility for your part in any interaction and by acknowledging the other party’s feelings.
Let go. Do not tell others what to do. It is so easy to fall into the habit of bossing people around or giving “advice. Avoid telling people what to do, especially if they are perfectly capable of managing their own choices. Let go of the need to control others. They need to make their own choices.
Clear the skies. Do not hold onto resentment. “I have the right to be mad because *insert reason here*”. This is not forgiving and letting go. This is you holding onto your ego and allowing the anger to fester. Disagreements happen. People have differing ideas, thoughts, and ways to express them. No doubt you will be affected, or get angry. This is okay. The trick here is to acknowledge that the storm doesn’t last forever. It will blow over, and if you remove your own ego from the equation, it will happen that much sooner.

Instead of dwelling on negative feelings, let them go and make room for happiness.

Accept that your ego is a part of you. The same way people who need to attend anger management classes accept that anger is part of them. They learn to control anger instead of letting anger control them.

Let go of being offended at every little thing.

Let go of the need to win and be right all the time.

Let go of the need to be superior.

Let go of identifying yourself by your achievements and reputation. Being proud of your accomplishments is normal. Being arrogant about it is negatively feeding your ego. There may come a time when people will insult your accomplishments and bruise your reputation. They do this because of their own ego feeding their insecurities.

Instead, be kind over being “right.” Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If someone attacks you or says something that upsets or offends you, removes yourself from the equation. React with kindness instead of resenting the attack. Most of the time, the attack is just a reflection of their own fear.

Live in the present and forget the past.

It’s painful to make mistakes. As for me, it really sets my teeth on edge. But we all need to learn how to forgive ourselves of these mistakes so that we will be able to move forward uninhibited. Mistakes are part of life. Whether we fail our driving test because we forgot to check a blind-spot, or we say something stupid during an important interview, mistakes happen. It is how we learn. It’s the only way we learn.

You need to realize that at some point it will be time to forgive yourself:

Focus. Identify the emotions you are feeling, and feel them. They aren’t the demons that people make them out to be. I believe the world will be a better place if we are able to understand our emotions and how to control them. Do not force them away. They are part of who you are.
Acknowledge. When we acknowledge our mistakes out loud, we open the door to understanding ourselves much better. Talk to yourself about your mistakes. You can be your own best friend and your own perfect sounding board. Sometimes by saying something out loud, you will be able to hear how completely ridiculous it is to dwell on a little mistake.
Live and learn. Each mistake is a learning experience. Sometimes this makes facing people that much harder in the morning, but, learn from it. You are only a fool if you keep repeating the same mistake over and over and never take the time to learn from your mistakes.
Time. Allow yourself time to dwell and reflect. It seems a bit counterintuitive, but allowing yourself time to process the mistake will allow you to better understand the mistake.
Pause. If you cannot face the issue at the moment, set it aside. This could seem as though you are ignoring the problem, but in fact, you are giving yourself time to address the issue when you are in a better state of mind. Just don’t take too long.
Accept. Once you have taken some time, do not keep reliving the mistake. You have worked it over in your head from every angle, and you have berated yourself in any myriad of ways. Maybe you could have changed the outcome, but ‘should haves’ will only make you more upset. What’s done is done.
Be gentle. Notice when you are self-critical. Have a conversation with this side of you. Write your conversation down in a journal. This will help you identify the harmful thought patterns that cause you self-resentment.
Be quiet. Once you identify that voice, quiet it down. Write down positive things about yourself. Be compassionate. You wouldn’t talk to your best friend the way you sometimes talk to yourself in the mirror. Remember, you’re your own best friend.
Be clear. How do you want to move on from the mistake? If you hurt your reputation, be clear about how you want to fix it. If you hurt another person, make amends.
Listen. Take your own advice. Whatever advice you would give your best friend in this situation, be sure to follow the same advice. Is she still with her abusive boyfriend? Have you told her to end it and she still hasn’t? If you find yourself giving advice, be willing to take it as well.
Ask for help. If all else fails and you feel that your mistakes are too great, seek professional help. There is no shame in seeking out help. Admitting you need help in the first place is how you will grow.

Step 4: Reflect

Self-reflection is how you understand who you are and what makes you tick. By understanding who you are and who you want to become, you will know which direction to move and what steps to take in order to get there.

Reflecting on your behavior and how your thoughts affect your responses allows you to see the parts of you that you need to work on.

Take time for yourself. Some call it ‘self-care’, others call it reflection. Take time to remind yourself why you are uniquely, and beautifully you.

Make a routine of it, incorporate it into your life so that you never forget. Set time aside to be in silence with yourself. By being happy with who you are, you are less likely to focus only on your accolades, or receiving accolades from others.

Be selfless.

Be grateful. Think about the lessons you have learned. Think about the people that have shaped your life. Think about the experiences that have done the same. You will be very different people without the things that have occurred up to this point.

Reflect on your shortcomings and your weaknesses. While it isn’t advised to dwell on negativity, having a moment to assess your shortcomings is a great way to keep your head on your shoulders.

With enough practice, you will not only be able to take charge of any situation, but you will also be able to take charge of yourself.

Reflection is important in the way that if you are unable to identify where you went wrong, you will not be able to prevent issues in the future.

There are definite benefits of self-reflection:

Improved relationships. By identifying what role you play in contributing to the interpersonal issues, you will be better able to overcome them. If you can’t help but goading your partner into a fight, the problem there isn’t them, it’s you. Self-reflection will help you identify these bumps.
Clearer thoughts and better decision making. Being able to separate your emotions from the difficult situation will let you make better decisions, and spot snagging points before they escalate.
You will know your true values. You will be able to identify what truly matters to you.
You will experience less stress and anxiety when you know what the causes are. Know what triggers bouts of anxiety, and you will be better equipped to deal with.
Better sleep. If your mind isn’t weighing on you, you will find that you sleep much sounder, and you fall asleep much faster. Let’s be honest, who doesn’t love a good night’s sleep?

So how do I go about self-reflection?

Search out a moment of quiet solitude. Disconnect from the world of technology. Be quiet and listen to your thoughts.
Ask yourself why. Why do I react the way I do? Why did I respond in that particular manner?
Ask deeper questions of yourself: What would I do differently/Where do I want to go/Who do I want to be? These are the things that will guide you in understanding your reactions.
Write your thoughts down. It gets really noisy up there. Write them down to get them out of your head. It makes space and also provides you with something concrete to look at. Looking at things from that perspective makes understanding it easier.

Step 5: Be Honest With Yourself and About Others

Honesty as the Best Policy

First, be honest with others, but more importantly with yourself. If you are incapable of performing a certain task, set your ego aside and ask for help, or hand it off to someone who is capable. Reject what does not add value to your life. This will force you to evaluate yourself and your situation.

Acknowledge Other People

From there, you can acknowledge others. You did not get to where you are without the help of others. You are also not able to carry everything by yourself. There are many points of view, many skills, and ideas that will only add value to a group effort or family dynamic. Skills come in a variety of packages, so don’t discount someone just because they do not have the same skillset as you. As a familiar quote goes, “if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will spend its whole life believing it is stupid.”

In the same way, anyone can contribute to the conversation or situation. Do not simply assume that everyone has had the same opportunities, or had the same education as you have. They may have differing viewpoints that are just as (if not more) valid than your own.

Letting go of the notion that everyone (especially in a business environment) should be following your lead will help you check your ego at the door. Circumstances change. Opportunities differ. Experiences form who we are and not all experiences are the same.

There is a small caveat to this. In some cases, you may very well be the smartest person in the room. You may have the best eye for detail and spotting snags in the process. You will need to redefine the way you understand the meaning of intelligence.

Others may not be as astute as you, but understanding why they are on the team will benefit you in the sense that they could potentially be representing your target audience. They could bring something fresh to the table. Be open-minded.

Step 6: Ask Questions

In order to eliminate your ego, go back to square-one on something. Be willing to learn a new skill. Be a beginner at something. It sets things into perspective. If you are a graphic designer, remember how you felt your first day on the job? You knew you were good, but compared to others in the field, you were still wet behind the ears. This is the same principle.

Do not assume you know everything, even if you are at the top of your field. Go out and learn something new. In a conversation, ask questions to make sure that you understand the other person. Be as understanding as possible.

Ask questions even if no one else is. You may feel like a fool for all of five minutes, but this is how you learn. You cannot know it all. You can be well-versed, you can even be an expert, but you cannot know everything. The human mind is not designed that way.

Listen

It’s one thing to ask questions, but you also need to listen. If something isn’t working, accept it. Listen to feedback. Read into the results of a project’s dry run, and make appropriate changes. No matter your role or position in any given situation, even the lower-ranking members of society may have something worthwhile to say.

Do not interrupt others. While someone is talking, don’t let your mind wander, and especially, do not start thinking about a reply. Listen to how different people convey different ideas. Personalities have an impact on how ideas are conveyed. Some people prefer to speak up in private. While others prefer to be subtle; leading others to jump to their opinions.

By listening to others you are setting aside your ego and your desire for approval and control. It allows you to discover better ways of doing things. Ways that you may not have noticed by yourself.

Step 7: Do not Take to Heart all Praise you Hear

Not all praise you hear will be sincere. Sometimes people say things they do not mean. Sometimes these things are said in order to avoid conflict or to get into your good graces. Trust and respect are earned.

Successes are earned and if you let praise get to your head, you will stop learning and stop growing. Be sure you remember that. But, with that said, do not discount the praise given to others. You have no idea what someone else had to go through to get where they are.

Nothing is permanent. One day you could be on top of the world, and the next you’re back at square one. These things happen. To everyone. Whatever has got you super pumped and happy right now, may not be there tomorrow.

Criticism can make you feel a little vulnerable. How you react to this vulnerability is how you can tell if your ego had you in chains.

Step 8: Admit When You are Wrong

As we’ve discussed earlier, we all make mistakes; it is part of being human. Taking responsibility for your actions shows a sense of humility. By expressing this humility you are opening yourself up and exposing your vulnerability. Your ego won’t like that, but it’s good for you. If you overstepped boundaries, sincerely apologize.

Be Self-Aware

Catch yourself in the act. Tricky, but with self-reflection, doable. Be aware of yourself in any situation and you will be able to hear that egotistical little voice. Silence it before it gets you into trouble. There is a profound difference between your inner voice guiding you, and your ego misguiding you. Your ego will make you doubt yourself. It is scared and angry and will do whatever it can to control you.

Often, anger is fear turned inward. This is your ego’s doing. The same applies when those thoughts are turned inward. You can stand in front of the mirror and berate your flabby gut that used to be so flat during college, or you can take a deep breath and realize that there is no need for the self-hate and judgment. It is absolutely vital to notice these moments for what they are and put a stop to them.

Here’s a small trick. Laugh at yourself. But, not in a demeaning way. For example, I get the occasional spout of road rage, like many of us. Have you ever been stuck in traffic, in near-ninety degree heat? Not a fun experience. Often it reaches the point where just one person has to cut me off and cue the swearing, steering wheel smashing, and all-out screaming at the top of my lungs. Then, I laugh.

The fastest way for me to diffuse the situation is to laugh at my own anger. That way it just dissipates into the universe. Develop a relationship with yourself and your thoughts. Suppression will only get you so far. Engage and address your ego. When the negativity rears its head, call it out. Be aware of the exact moment that you need to take a step back from the situation – personal, or interpersonal.

Know yourself. If being judgmental comes to you as naturally as breathing, ask yourself: “Are my ideas really superior?”

Step 9: Trust in Your Best Friend

In the age of social media, having a true best friend is rarer than a popular YouTube influencer who didn’t have to make an apology video. That being said, everyone needs a best friend. It can be anyone you trust, but the trust needs to be mutual and absolute.

Your friend will have your back and will be your sounding board whenever you need to check that you are not overstepping boundaries, or feeding your ego. Ask for help, and put the feedback to good use. Straight-talk is key and keeps those close who tell you what you need to hear more than what you want to hear.

Keep in mind, you are also your own best friend. When you’ve learned to self-reflect, and truly learn from your own mistakes – and this is only done by letting down your ego – you can sometimes give yourself the best advice.

Step 10: Respect, Respect, Respect

Respect yourself and others. Instead of gossiping in order to advance your own agenda, or to have people see you in a specific way (stroking your own ego), poke a little fun at yourself.

By accepting your shortcomings and mistakes and then laughing at yourself in a good-natured way will show a level of humility and understanding that is often lacking in everyday life. You can voice your opinion in a respectful way. You can disagree in a respectful way. You can be proud of your achievements but keep in mind others are proud of theirs as well.

Step 11: Humble or Doormat?

It is good to be humble, but there are a time and a place where your ego will prevent you from becoming a doormat for others.

Practicing humility is one of the most touted ways of dropping your ego, but often it is synonymous with allowing people to walk all over you.

Let me tell you, being humble and letting people take advantage is not the same thing. Most of the time, having people take advantage of you stems from the need of people, please. Humility, on the other hand, is feeling content with your skills and accomplishments, giving you the opportunity to allow someone else to take the spotlight.

You can let your mom talk you into attending a dreadful family dinner with her and your six aunts and uncles, even though there will be constant “so, when are you getting married?” type questions; it is quite different from agreeing to that than it is to have your boss constantly take credit for your ideas while you just go with it because a) he is your boss, and b) you don’t want to make trouble at work.

In general, the assumption of humility automatically brings to mind meekness, which is why it is so closely associated with being a pushover.

Higher humility leads to higher self-purpose.

Humility is practiced with the self (personal) as well as with others (interpersonal).

How to practice a little humility:

Ask for feedback. We are more likely to be less honest with our own shortcomings. This is why asking for other people to help you see the good, as well as bad within yourself, can be so enlightening. We can be proud of our strengths, as long as we focus on and improve our weaknesses.
Face your prejudices. Having an open mind fosters humility.
Start with a question. It takes humility to show what you do not know instead of what you do know. You can’t do this without also setting aside your ego.
Listen, really listen.
Accept setbacks as they come. See them as learning experiences rather than as failures.
Discover awe by expressing gratitude. Be grateful for the things in your life.

Being confident and humble at the same time seems a bit of an oxymoron to some people. But, we need to see humility as a strength.

We can be humble as well as be confident in who we are and what we have to offer

Take a leap of faith. Once in a while, doing something that you are not 100% sure of means you are stretching out of your comfort zone – and, in a way, admitting that you do not know everything.

Live to your own potential. Humility does not immediately mean we have to belittle ourselves and set ourselves to one side. Believe in your own potential and live as though you do not fear what others think. You know what you are capable of; live like it. Move forward.

But how do you make sure you are not a doormat and not lose your sense of decency in the process?

Start with you. Standing up for yourself does not make you selfish. If you are hesitant to ask someone to do something you want, flip the script. Ask yourself if someone asked you to do the same. Does it sound reasonable and doable? Then it is fine for you to ask the same. Standing up for yourself should not be met with anger and hostility.
Teach others. It takes kindness to be able to teach. Make sure it comes from a good place. Sharing knowledge is a wonderful way to bond.
Stop People-Pleasing. Self-explanatory. Being nice is not synonymous with having people take advantage of your good-nature. Know when you are being taken advantage of.
Apply confidence, not arrogance.
Talk about it. If you feel that you are being used as a doormat, talk to someone about it. Get it off your chest.
Raise your own expectations. Do not accept others’ evaluation of you.
Know when enough is enough. If nothing changes, then get out. Just “pushing on” is not a way to live. Is your boss still not noticing you? Are you working your butt off for nothing? The problem with this is that you may automatically be thinking that if you ask for a raise, or confront your boss (in a polite, decent way) to acknowledge your contributions, you will open a can of real ugly worms. Yes, there may be pushback – there often is – but do not back down.

Step 12: Dealing With Egotistical People

Now that you know how to set your own ego aside, how do you deal with others who haven’t yet caught on?

There will undoubtedly be people in your everyday life that still let their arrogance lead them around by the nose. While it is fantastic that you have made the transition and have gone the extra mile to get a firm grasp on your ego and tossing bad vibes aside; it does not make you better than those who have not gotten there yet.

There are people who will feel the need to always be right, to always have the last say, and who will get angry at anything that challenges their world view.

Perhaps they just don’t see it yet, maybe they never will, but in the meantime, here are some ways you can curb your irritation at these people and “turn the other cheek.”

Let them have the final word. Arguing with a person who is so self-involved is exactly like having a fistfight with a brick wall. You walk away bleeding and angry and they are still standing. Let them have it. It costs you nothing.
Don’t stoop to their level. Use short sentences and be direct. Fighting fire with fire just leaves everyone scorched.
Acknowledge and afford them praise when it is due. When they say something you actually agree with, make it known. If not, zip it. Keep opposing opinions to yourself. They will love you for it.
Let them talk about whatever sparks their passions – and listen while they do so! You are allowing them to talk (and believe me, people with real big egos love to talk) and you are showing them that they can trust you. It will make them feel connected to you.
Avoid their triggers. That means getting to know them. If your mom has a ton to say about people who pierce their faces and dye their hair, avoid talking about those things. It keeps the conversation light and keeps you from needing to force yourself to keep silent.
Sometimes, just don’t engage. When you feel you have reached a point where you cannot deal with their egotistical ways, simply take a few steps back and choose not to engage. Sometimes the best way to do this is by casually changing the subject.
Maintain perspective. Just because they are touting their accomplishments (actual or imagined) to make you seem smaller than they are, does not mean they are correct.
If push comes to shove, cut ties. If killing them with kindness does nothing, back off. Leave. It will be hard, and it will most likely cause you quite a bit of stress. However, afterward, that freedom you feel, will be worth it.

As I have said, the ego isn’t all bad. It helps you find your sense of purpose. It helps you define your self-worth, and it guides you forward. It takes some careful maneuvering to ensure that you don’t lose track of your ego and have it run rampant again.

Keeping your ego in check takes a little practice. Maybe even a lot of practice! But, in the end, the person you will become once you are free from the restrictions of the human mind, will be the happiest person you can be.

Go ahead and put these steps into practice. Set that ego aside, and become your greatest potential.