It takes two people to have a conversation. To have a good conversation, both should strive to be effective active listeners. Yet, our world is filled with constant stimulation, and stress and anxiety can leave us constantly distracted.
If you’ve asked yourself, “How can I be a better listener?” you’re on the right track. Becoming a better listener involves practicing mindful listening, noticing body language, and seeking a deeper meaning behind the conversation. Listening extends beyond just responding. Not everyone has the skill to be a good conversationalist, but with the right amount of practice, it is possible to increase your listening skills.
There are five methods you can elicit to improve your ability to listen. It starts by developing an open mindset and looking at the way someone is talking to you as a whole. Much of the messages we perceive are made of body movements and changes in vocal tone. But our focus can sometimes be on response more than listening, leaving us to miss the deeper meaning the other person is trying to share. By reversing these bad habits, you are capable of increasing your ability to show others you have an open ear.
#1: Approach with an Open Mind and a Goal To Learn
It’s not like most of us are trying on purpose to not listen to other people. Often it happens without us even knowing. How often have you been in a boring business meeting only for them to ask, “Does that make sense?” at the end, leaving you grasping for anything from your memory to help you come up with an answer.
Even in challenging or intimate conversations with a loved one, you might suddenly realize, “Oh wait, what did they just say?” as you try to catch up with the words they’re sharing as quickly as possible.
One way to avoid this natural deviation from the conversation is to practice mindful listening. This involves paying close attention to the words coming out of their mouth, looking at the messages connected to what they are sharing, and finding physical anchors to pull you back into the conversation.
Regular mindfulness involves becoming aware of your surroundings. To be mindful right now, notice three things around you that are red. If you can’t find three, pick blue or green.
That’s it! By doing this short activity, you are becoming more mindful. Your brain processed simple thoughts like, “the cup is red,” but there were billions of other bits passing through that helped you better understand how to find that red cup.
Instead of continuing to anxiously think about what you have to do next or other distractions around you, your brain focused on meeting an objective, no matter how small that might have been.
This is a process to practice in your brain through mindful listening. There are two key elements to mindful listening:
- Thinking only about what the other person is saying
- Showing the other person that you are listening
Research shows that we’re not that good at paying attention to the things around us. In fact, we might only process a couple thousand bits of info we take in a second. That might seem like a lot, but not when you compare it to the nearly 400 billion pieces that pass through (Dorrance, 2017).
When you listen to someone, then you can assume you’re not factoring in everything that they’re saying. Even when you try to go out of your way to listen, it’s easy still to forget some of what might be shared.
Be a mindful listener by first focusing on the words they state. Repeat them back to yourself in your brain if you can’t think of anything else. Focus on the way that they are moving their mouth and eyes. Next look at their hands. Pay attention to their body language and look for deeper meaning.
Keep an open mind as well. You want to focus on withholding judgment and resisting the urge to respond right away. These are all topics we’re going to explore further throughout this blog post to give you the best skills possible to be a more mindful listener.
On a simple level, notice the things actually occurring around you. Focus on the color of the seat you’re on or the texture of the carpet. Stay stuck in the moment to keep your ears open. Investigate what they’re sharing and you’ll find it’s easier to help them see you are providing your full attention.
#2: Pay Attention to Body Language
Albert Mehrabian wrote in 1971 that communication is:
- 7% verbal
- 55% body language
- 38% tone of voice
This conclusion came from only a couple of studies but has since been evolved into a modern truism. While it might not be as specifically true as it once was believed to be, there is still much to consider.
We often take away the words that someone shares and believe this to be our basis of judgment, but we forget that perception can drastically alter that as well. Not only will their tone of voice and body language give hidden cues, but the way you perceive what is being shared can alter how you’re consuming their message.
Begin to look at their body language as objectively as you can to better interpret their message. An effective listener knows how to put the emphasis on what the other person is sharing rather than focusing on how it affects the way they feel.
It’s important that we focus on how much we say with our bodies alone. Body language can be broken down rather simply. For example, look at how easily you can train your brain to remember different signals:
| Body Part | Position | Signal |
| Head | Sunken | Sadness |
| Head | Tilted | Curiosity |
| Arms | Crossed | Anger |
| Arms | Open | Comfort |
| Legs | Shaking | Nervousness |
| Feet | Pointed open | Openness |
You can find ways of showing better body language with the help of videos like this:
Additionally, listen to the tone of voice that someone is using to speak. Try saying these phrases with three different tones, such as anger, excitement, despondence, or nervousness:
- I’m fine.
- Is that okay with you?
- I hope you had a good day.
- I have a surprise for you.
When you state each of these phrases with a different tone, it can result in not only a much different meaning, but it might change the situation entirely. The tone of voice will affect what the other person ends up sharing as well.
Our body language is inclusive of eye contact and where we choose to sit. A college professor who stands at the front of the room and paces will have different effects on students than one who arranges the desks in a circle and has a discussion with the class on their level.
After having a conversation with someone, don’t just reflect on what they said. How did they look while saying it? What did they do with every body part, from their mouth to their toes?
A simple hand over the mouth can signify that they might be holding something back that they can’t share. Curled toes can indicate anxiety, the same way clenched fists might.
Don’t hang onto one part of someone’s body language, either. Look at them as a whole. Add up all these signals together to get the most accurate message rather than just focusing on specific words stated.
#3: Wait To Respond
As we stated earlier, two people are involved in most discussions. Of course, you can talk to yourself, but improving those inner listening skills is a different talent.
When talking with other people, it’s easy to feel as though you must come up with a response. This is especially true when you might be having conversations with people in a heated moment when the two of you are angry.
When we have fights or intense discussions, it can become about proving the other person wrong rather than explaining our side of the story. Let’s say there are a husband and wife who are fighting. The wife feels as though her husband hasn’t been spending enough time with her and is upset that he is going to the movies with his friends. He thinks she’s being overdramatic.
The truth is, the wife is hurt, and the husband isn’t seeing that pain. They might try to prove one another is right or wrong instead of working through those emotions. She might discuss all of the movie nights and outings he’s had while he pulls up specific dates that the two of them had nights alone together.
They’re both completely missing the point. The wife might simply feel excluded or insecure, needing his support more. He can still give that to her while enjoying his alone time and they can come up with those solutions together.
Being a more effective listener is about getting to the core of another’s truth. Let the other person lay it all out there before you begin adding your perspective.
Rather than wanting to respond immediately, focus first on showing them that you are listening and actively engaging in what they are sharing with you.
As you are showing them you’re listening, consider how you might be making eye contact with them and displaying that you are focused on the conversation.
The below video is a fun little challenge to get you used to making eye contact. Sometimes it can be uncomfortable, but it is a great way to show you are listening to others.
That’s not to say that you should let them talk for hours while you sit there and just take it all in. Have moments where you help direct the conversation or ask questions to dive further into the topic.
Refrain from responding about yourself at first. Someone might be struggling with depression, sharing that with a friend. The worst response is to say back, “Yeah, I have depression too.” It’s unfortunate that both are struggling, but first further discuss what was said initially before moving onto a new perspective.
The conversation shouldn’t be a back and forth. It’s not a game of catch. It should be both partners working together to build something at the same time rather than just tossing words back and forth (Julani, n.d.).
#4: Look for Meaning Beyond Words
When considering someone else’s intention in their conversation, you have to seek out a way to view it from beyond just your perspective. When evaluating what someone is trying to share, look at their:
- Childhood
- Background
- Geographic location
- Current issues
- Personality type
- Likes/interests
- People they hang around
Of course, we can’t always consider all of this for a quick conversation, but as you’re diving further into what was shared, remember to evaluate these important factors that define a person. All of these could greatly affect the messages someone is trying to share. Someone from a wealthy background who grew up with 5-digit numbers in their bank account saying, “I hate poor people,” has a much different meaning than someone who had nothing growing up saying, “I hate rich people.”
You could look at their phrases and see both used “hate.” That alone is a red flag as a negative message for most people. The meaning behind what they are trying to share can be much different. The wealthy person doesn’t understand the struggle that those with less money went through. The person who grew up in poverty resents those who are more well off than them.
Similar phrases coming out of two different mouths can mean opposite things, so it’s important to consider all aspects when evaluating a conversation.
There are a few phrases that can lead to more damage than their intention if you’re not careful about how they are used or perceived during a conversation. Be cautious of the symbolism and general messages behind what you might share with others that could lead to their questioning of your hidden messages.
For example, maybe you tell someone, “You need to calm down.” You want to let them know the situation doesn’t mean that they need to be worried and things will be okay. But they could take away from it, “Your feelings are invalid and you’re worried for no reason, so stop having those emotions.” They can also perceive it as a command. While you might not mean word for word what is stated, consider how your messages might be analyzed by the person you’re sending them to.
#5: Summarize and Ask Questions
After you let them say their message and avoided judgment or quick responses, it is then up to you to continue the conversation. Remember, it’s not about proving them wrong or “winning” a hidden competition.
If you do want them to see their own contradictions, you can still point that out, but don’t do so in an aggressive way that will raise defenses. For example, if you have a conversation with your boss about you having to make more of an effort for the job, you might want to come back with moments and instances when they didn’t make much of an effort either. Remember to keep the focus on the issue at hand here—not proving them wrong—even if you might be able to easily do so.
Instead, share “I feel…” statements or “Do you believe…” to help them see it from your perspective. You can state, “Do you believe you’ve upheld your role?” or “I feel as though I have been doing my part, but there are times I have noticed you might not be doing the same.”
Be very cautious of your tone and when you choose to say it to ensure the messages are comprehended in a calm and effective way, not one that causes more tension (Goulston & Ullmen, 2013).
Being a listener shows you’re a leader, and that’s great for your job. The steps in this blog post are similar to what you would do in any conversation, from a hard discussion with your spouse about finances to a professional job interview. Watch this video to see great questions to ask at the end of your job interview to help you show you are an active and passionate listener:
Related Questions
The further you dive into conversations, the easier it is to improve your skills. Check out the related questions below to learn more.
How can I be more confident when talking to other people?
It can be challenging to have the confidence needed to stand up for yourself. To be a more confident speaker, begin by practicing in front of the mirror so you can get used to the way you talk. Use body language and a clear voice to enhance your ability to come off as confident to others. Whether you’re increasing your speaking or listening skills, it’s all connected.
How do I comfort someone who is sad when speaking to me? Sometimes we have to listen to people share things that are hard. The best thing to do is to acknowledge their feelings and let them know you understand their emotions. Validate them and ask what you can do to work through the feelings together. You don’t always have to come up with a solution or try to fix their pain at the moment—just show you’re listening.