Having similar values is an important aspect of any relationship, and being aware of the core relationship values in your partnership will not only help the relationship, but it will also help your happiness and wellbeing.
While every relationship is unique and partners will share their own ideas of what is most important, some common values are important for most relationships.
So now you may be asking, what are the most common values you should be focusing on? A healthy relationship is more than loving someone and merely “showing up.” You will need to work on the relationship by practicing empathy for your partner and especially prioritizing the collective of your relationship otherwise known as the “us.”
This means you will need to actively work towards a healthy relationship and continue putting in the effort to ensure you are building a strong bond.
Love isn’t enough. While love may be one of the most important aspects of a relationship, it is not enough to only love someone. There is a lot more to a relationship than love.
This may be disconcerting to the hopeless romantics who feel that love conquers all. However, holding and maintaining certain values is just as important as saying “I love you.”
Before we delve into the values that should be defining your relationship, it is always important to take stock of your own values and the things most important to you as an individual.
Knowing Your Own Core Relationship Values
Getting to know yourself is an important step to take before entering into a romantic relationship. Part of this journey of knowing yourself is to understand what is most important to you in life.
These important aspects are the values you strongly believe in such as friendship, family, loyalty, or honesty. You will likely have developed these values throughout your life.
However, values do change, and as you grow and learn more about yourself and your life it is necessary to reflect on these values often, especially when you have experienced a big change in your life.
You can reflect on your standards in many different ways, but a good way is to write them down somewhere, possibly in a diary. This way, you can compare your old and new values and take note of when you need to focus on certain values if you have been neglecting them.
Use this table as a guideline on how to rank and track your values over time to make sure you have given them enough attention. Draw up a table like this one and fill in your own values. You can use these values as a guide as they are important aspects to focus on with regards to your own health.
- Value rank – this is the ranking of how important the value is in your life. Number one is the top priority while five is lower in the ranking.
- Description – this is the name of your value
- Score – this refers to how much you have been focusing and prioritizing this specific value, a ranking of 10 means you are doing well to prioritize the value.
| Value Rank | Description | Score (1-10) | Date | How to increase your score |
| 1 | Wellbeing | 7 | 10/12/2020 | Meditate every morning. |
| 2 | Honesty | 6 | 10/12/2020 | Write down your honest thoughts and feelings in a journal every night. |
| 3 | Creativity | 8 | 10/12/2020 | Schedule 30 minutes a week for creative activities (drawing/writing/photography). |
| 4 | Learning | 6 | 10/12/2020 | Aim to read one book every month. |
| 5 | Adventure | 7 | 10/12/2020 | Plan a monthly hike in new places each month. |
The below video can also help you to determine what your values are: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1R7o-fo9EFE
Once you know your own values and when you are prioritizing them enough, you can move on to figuring out, along with your partner, what your relationship values should be.
There are many different values to have in a partnership and since every couple is unique you will need to decide what works best for your partnership. This usually goes for the values which are not so common, such as exercise, activities, or other specific interests.
However, there are some common values important for all relationships, and these have been compiled below into the top nine best values to have in a relationship.
Trust
Trust is the foundation of a relationship and without it, a relationship cannot survive. Problems will always arise if there is a lack of trust. More importantly, the benefits of having trust in a relationship are rewarding.
Trust is much more than believing your partner will be faithful or won’t be dishonest. It is also a logical understanding and an emotional state of vulnerability. Trusting someone is giving them the power to hurt you by exposing your weaknesses and knowing they won’t use them against you.
Beyond physical activities, trust is important for a partnership on an emotional level. If you trust your partner, you can feel comfortable, be yourself, and rely on them to meet your emotional needs.
Having trust within the relationship helps you to move past disagreements in the relationship since you know the other person has your best interests at heart. This means that if they have hurt you because of a misunderstanding, you will be able to forgive them more easily since you know their intentions are not malicious.
Most importantly, having trust in your partner will help love grow in the relationship. If you feel safe and secure, you can focus on building the relationship in other areas and you can also take more risks.
When a relationship starts, it is not likely for trust to be evident straight away and is an emotion that takes time to develop. You and your partner will also have to earn each other’s trust through time and actions.
Trust can be shown through different acts and moments such as:
- Actively listening to one another
- Being honest when you make mistakes
- Being your true self around your partner
- Conversations that are open and honest
- Keeping eye contact during tense situations
Honesty
A successful relationship relies on honesty to thrive. If your partner is dishonest, it will ruin trust in the relationship, and you know how important a trusting relationship is.
Honesty spans further than merely not telling lies, it also includes speaking out about how you are feeling in the relationship. If you are upset about a situation, you need to be honest and talk about your feelings.
Talking through your feelings is important to prevent more unpleasant feelings from developing between you and your loved one. If you don’t talk openly and honestly about what you are feeling, it will only cause more unwanted friction later on.
Harboring feelings inside and attempting to deal with them yourself won’t make them go away, and will instead cause the distress you are feeling to worsen. This is why you need to be honest whenever you are feeling uncomfortable or sad.
Being honest about these feelings is important to create a stronger bond between you and your significant other. It will bring you closer together and strengthen your partnership.
Of course, outright lying will also cause problems in the relationship. No matter how small the lie is, even if it is a white lie, it can add up and become unmanageable, and the truth will always come out in some way or another.
Lying to your partner will break trust, and while trust is not irreparable, it is tough to rebuild once it has been broken. Even if you are scared the truth will hurt your partner or make them uncomfortable, it is better than hiding or lying about the situation.
A relationship will survive the hard truth a lot easier than it will survive lying and dishonesty. Being honest allows both of you to know exactly what to expect from the relationship which is healthier than stumbling over unexpected hurdles because of dishonesty.
Compassion
Compassion in a relationship will help you put your partner’s feelings above your own when it is necessary to do so. Having compassion allows you to think of the other person’s situation through their eyes.
It is hard to understand what someone else is going through even if that someone is your intimate partner. You can know the entire situation, but not be able to fully grasp the feelings they are experiencing.
Compassion is a form of emotional intelligence that leads a person to want to alleviate the pain and struggles the other person is facing. Practicing compassion will allow you to notice when your loved one is suffering from something, even when they have not told you what it is.
Knowing when your partner is feeling discomfort allows you to practice kindness and be supportive while they work through their struggles. Even if they are not ready to speak about what is bothering them, you can still be their support.
Researchers from Berkely University note the following as ways to increase your feelings of compassion towards each other:
- Believe you are a good person who can be compassionate
- Look for common ground between your own experiences and the experience the other person is going through
- Note how you feel once you have been compassionate. According to studies, your reward center in your brain is activated when you practice compassion
- You can also practice compassion meditation each day
At times it may be hard to be compassionate if you are going through some personal struggles or if you have had a disagreement recently. This is okay and you are only human. Try not to let yourself start criticizing or arguing and think of the positives in the relationship before addressing the problems.
Compassion is not only important for the relationship, but also for your health. Researcher Stephanie Brown, from Stonybrook University, has found evidence showing compassion to possibly lengthen a person’s life due to a reduction in inflammation in people who have strong connections with others. Showing compassion also creates a strong bond between yourself and your partner.
Connection: Both Physical and Emotional
Strong connections with your partner can stem from showing compassion to one another, but the connection will need to be nurtured and looked after in other ways too since it is an important core value of the relationship.
The connection between yourself and your partner should be both physical and emotional to the extent that both partners are comfortable as both physical and emotional intimacy can be equally important for the health of the relationship and the health of both partners.
Firstly, people value the physical side of your relationship as important in having a grounded link through physical touch. This touch is not merely sexual intimacy, but also simpler things like holding hands and hugging.
Hugging is widely known to make people feel comforted [as long as it is consensual] and is commonly used to show someone affection in times of distress. It is even said to protect you against illness.
According to Healthline, regularly hugging someone you are comfortable with can have the following positive side effects:
- Hugs can reduce stress in both people involved in the hug.
- They can protect you from illness, reducing your chance of getting sick.
- Hugs have the potential to increase your heart health.
- Hugging releases oxytocin, which is the hormone responsible for making you happy.
- Hugging can often reduce certain types of physical pain.
Robert Augustus Master, Ph.D., the author of Emotional Intimacy: A Comprehensive Guide for Connecting with the Power of Your Emotions recommends developing an emotional connection with your partner to create a deeper and more intimate relationship.
He outlines the following ways to connect more emotionally with your partner:
- Be honest when you are being defensive and state that you are being defensive.
- If you drift emotionally, fix the situation as soon as possible.
- Express remorse even if you are struggling to say sorry, and tell your partner you are struggling with the apology. This honesty may make it easier for you to sincerely say sorry.
- Notice when you are being reactive, say it out loud and stop yourself from being reactive.
- Don’t use threats to get your way, such as threatening to leave the relationship through an ultimatum.
- Don’t use sex as a blanket for an emotional connection. Let sex be an extension of the emotional connection you are feeling.
Remember to check in regularly to make sure both the physical and emotional connections are doing well. Discuss with your partner whether they are feeling a strong connection or not and determine how you can strengthen the bond if it has weakened.
Communication
Communication is always important in a relationship to express your feelings and thoughts. No one can read their partner’s mind and both of you need to know what the other is feeling and what their needs are.
Talking is one of the most important avenues of a healthy relationship and it goes far beyond small talk and just speaking about surface-level topics.
Strong communication in a relationship allows you to get to know your partner on an intimate level through speaking of past experiences and feelings. You can’t fully know a person if you do not speak intimately about deeper feelings, thoughts, and moments.
Not only will you know your partner better but you will also be able to work through conflicts and situations a lot easier if you have good communication skills. Communication is more than knowing how to use your words.
Communication is also a non-verbal activity whereby your body posture, tone, and actions all play a part. You will need to work on all these aspects if you want to communicate better with your partner.
This video will help you learn how to communicate better with your partner, beyond merely using words to express how you feel:
Here are a few more useful tips to better communicate with your partner both verbally and non-verbally:
- Keep an open posture. Don’t cross your arms or keep your body in a defensive position.
- Maintain healthy eye contact when appropriate.
- Stay on the same level as the person so one person isn’t looking up or down
- Use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Start your sentences with “I feel..” instead of “you do this..” or “you make me feel..”
- Take careful note of your tone and body language when you are speaking.
- Be clear with your message and what you are feeling. Tell your partner to let you know if what you are saying is confusing.
Most importantly, communication is also about listening to understand the other person’s side. Communication is a two-way street and both partners need to be involved and committed to practicing good communication.
Compromise
Once you are in a relationship, your actions and decisions affect three entities, yourself, your partner, and the relationship.
Making decisions as a single person is a lot easier as you only need to be concerned about yourself and how it will affect you. Now, you have to be aware that your decision could affect your partner too.
This means you will need to compromise just as much as your partner will need to compromise too. It should never be one part of the couple constantly compromising for the other.
Every big decision will need to be discussed thoroughly, allowing both partners to state their case because both will inevitably need to make sacrifices for the relationship to work.
When reaching a decision that has consequences for both partners, you will need to discuss [using your good communication skills] to decide what the most effective solution is.
Compromising should never constantly put one partner first, but should be a balanced situation where both partners are put first when their situation warrants it. A compromise also doesn’t need to be disregarding one person’s side completely, but you can also find the middle ground in the decision.
Compromising is necessary so one partner doesn’t feel as though they are losing themselves or who they want to be. You should be able to continue being your authentic self in a relationship.
Compromise is another form of showing compassion to your partner. By prioritizing your partner’s feelings and needs you are not only being fair to your partner but also to the relationship.
The “Us” is Important in a Romantic Relationship
As alluded to above, there are now three entities to take into consideration in a relationship, and all three need to be looked after. There are partners as individuals, whose personal needs should be met and looked after, and then there is the “us.”
The “us” is the combined partnership in the romantic relationship and strengthening the collective also needs to be looked after and taken care of too. This means putting in the effort at times to work on the collective.
This can be done in many ways and you can have fun while working on the union. Schedule times for date nights and stick to them, finding time for just the two of you. These moments will help grow the bond and strengthen the “us.”
Looking after the collective also means that some of the decisions you make during the compromise should be made in the best interests of the collective. When making decisions also ask, “what will be the best thing to do for us?” This will help you to choose the relationship over the individual.
However, there should always be a balance and just as the collective should be looked after, so should both the individuals. All three should have equal amounts of focus and should be looked after.
When you are in a relationship, the external factors usually matter quite a lot. These include your partner’s friends and family and their interests. It also includes those aspects of your life. Focusing on the relationship and the collective means forgetting about these external factors on occasion.
In these moments, all that should matter is the bond between yourself and your partner.
Money Matters
It is easy to say you don’t worry about the financial aspects of your partner and if they are not wealthy it won’t matter to you. However, the money will always matter in a relationship because of the changing dynamics when two people decide to share their lives.
Here, you will need to have serious discussions of whether the finances will become shared too or who will be paying for what. You may think this is only necessary when you are marrying someone, although it is just as important in the dating phase.
Times have changed from the olden days when men used to be the sole breadwinners and would pay for everything while the women stayed at home. This meant men would pay for dates and everything else later on.
Now, with women gaining independence in a financial sense they have the means to afford these things too. Although, the mindset hasn’t changed completely with everyone. Speaking about how financial matters will be handled will help save awkward situations when you are out on dates.
Speaking about this situation will also aid both partners in knowing what to expect if the dating phases go well and they decide to get more serious. This will prevent conflict from arising when there are bigger financial barriers to get through.
Studies on financial infidelity show money matters to be a common source of conflict in marital relationships and is one of the leading reasons for divorce. This highlights the importance of speaking about financial expectations early on in the relationship.
Respecting Each Other’s Core Values
Just as the relationship’s core values are important for the health of the relationship, each individual’s values are just as important. Discovering your core values and maintaining them as discussed at the start of the article is necessary.
Further than that, both partners in the couple need to respect each other’s values and give them space to enjoy and look after their values. It may be good to also partake in the activities which they value.
It is important to allow your partner to hold on to their authentic selves and be who they truly are, even if they change over time. This is where you need to respect their decisions and what is important to them.
It is always good to share values in a relationship, especially when they are the above core relationship values, but individuals are likely to have different personal values. These can include family, exercise, and creativity amongst many others.
For your partner to be themselves they will need to be given the space to enjoy their values even if you do not share these. Give them space and support to enjoy their values and respect each other’s individuality.
This form of respect will help the relationship flourish as well as helping the individuals flourish. Both of which are important for the success and happiness of the relationship.
Tips on How to Discuss and Work on These Values
Knowing the values that are important for a relationship is only the first step, now you will need to work on these to ensure a strong partnership filled with love and, respect for each other.
Here are a few quick tips for looking after these values:
- Have regular check-ins for each value. Set aside some time each week or month to discuss the various aspects, such as money matters, and if your connections are strong enough.
- If you feel one area is not being valued as much as it needs to, bring it up as soon as possible. The longer you leave a problem, the worse it will get.
- Allow your own and your partner’s values to change when things in your life change, but make sure you speak about them when they do change.
The below video will help you and your partner better understand how to determine the important core values for your partnership:
Related Questions
How do I start a conversation with my partner about core values in the relationship?
Wait for a time when you are both relaxed and not stressed to gently bring up the subject if your partner is willing. Tell your partner you would like to build the relationship and help create a stronger bond by speaking about these values.
What should you do if you both can’t agree on the core values?
If you are arguing about the importance of some of the values, you both need to show compassion and look from the other person’s perspective. If you still cannot find a middle ground, you may need to see a counselor to offer some professional help.
Finally, Share the Love
Despite all of the hard work and tough conversations you need to have with your partner, remember the love you share. Whenever things are looking particularly hard, take a step back, and just enjoy the time with your partner for a moment.
If you are struggling to find a fair and balanced point in any part of the relationship, just stop. Take a moment to breathe and go do something fun with your partner, enjoy the relationship, and come back to the topic at a later stage. This will remind both of you about the love you share.
While all these values help the relationship run more smoothly, you also need to have fun and enjoy life with your partner. One can argue that fun is the most important value of all.