How to Help Someone with Depression

Depression is a medical condition that affects how a person thinks about themself. The depressed person may feel sad and lose interest in activities they once enjoyed. They might suffer from insomnia or they might sleep excessively. They could suffer from extreme guilt and have suicidal thoughts.

How to help someone with depression? Depression can be a confusing illness to cope with or to understand. You need to educate yourself about the illness and how it can affect a person before you try to fix what you think is wrong with them.

It can be difficult to identify depression in its early stages. The person may only be going through a period of sadness or grieving. Some suffers of depression can hide it well if they aren’t an immediate family member living with you. Often, when we learn a friend, relative or coworker is taking antidepressants, we are shocked because they seemed to be so “normal” around us. It’s important to understand that depression doesn’t discriminate. You might work with a happy, perky coworker who deep inside is suffering from depression and is taking medication to alleviate the symptoms.

Conversely, the depressed person can display signs that are a cry for help. They may act erratically, stop practicing hygiene, or fail to get out of bed for days at a time other than to use the bathroom and get something to eat or drink. Most often, we can better recognize the signs of depression when the person resides in the same household.

If you want to help a loved one, it’s imperative that you understand what depression is, what it looks like, and how to navigate it.

It is difficult to watch someone you love suffer, especially if it changes their personality. You will feel hurt if they are being indifferent or want to be left completely alone.

You need to keep in mind that it’s not the person, it’s the disease. You might be angry, sad, overwhelmed, and confused at times. It is okay to feel this way and you must not neglect your own emotional health. However, at the end of the day, you need to understand that the person you love is not hurting you on purpose and their depression is not directed at you.

What is Depression?

Depression is a serious medical illness that affects more than 300 million people across the world. It is commonly called “major depressive disorder” within the scientific community but the general population knows it as depression. Depression is such a serious illness because it can have great negative impacts on a person’s thoughts, feelings, and actions.

When someone you love is depressed, you might notice that they begin to show a lack of interest in doing the things they once loved, and they might feel or look sad. Depression can quickly deteriorate the quality of someone’s life. They may no longer be able to hold a job down, or they might not want to interact with any other people. It can also affect a person’s physical health. This is why you want to get your loved one help in the best possible way.

The most common symptoms that accompany depression are:

Loss of interest in things that the person used to love doing
Major weight loss or weight gain due to drastic appetite changes
Feelings of sadness
Insomnia or new trouble sleeping
Sleeping too much or spending all day in bed
Increased levels of fatigue, no more energy to do anything.
New physical actions that have no reason to be done—for example wringing of hands, knee tapping, pacing.
Feeling unloved or unneeded and unwanted.
Lack of focus and inability to make decisions
Thoughts that center around death or even suicide
Self-harm or thoughts of self-harm

Generally, to receive a diagnosis of depression, a psychologist will want to see evidence that the symptoms of depression have persisted for a period of two weeks or longer. There are other medical issues that overlap in their symptoms with depression. That is why a doctor will also want to examine a patient’s thyroid, their brain, and their vitamin levels to make sure there is no deficiency or abnormality. It is extremely important to rule these out first so that a medical professional can accurately treat the person suffering from depression.

Depression doesn’t affect only a handful of people. Out of every 15 adults, one person suffers from depression at any given time in a year. That is about 6.7 percent of the population each year! In our lifetimes, one in every six people will have experienced depression at one stage or another. That is a testament to the frequency this disease is diagnosed.

While a loved one can suffer from depression at any given time of their life, it is more common to occur during a person’s late teens and mid-twenties. You will also find that females suffer from depression more often than males. Roughly one-third of the female population will have felt depressed in their lifetime.

Is depression really so different from being sad or feeling grief?

Yes. A person who is suffering from depression is not simply sad. Sometimes people go through breakups, lose their jobs, and maybe even the loss of a loved one. These can be trying times for a person to go through, and grief or sadness are common emotions to experience as a response to devastating situations. And, yes, while these moments may make someone feel as if they are “depressed,” it is a completely different experience to suffering from real depression.

Grieving is a natural process for someone to go through when they have lost someone or something special and unique to them. Everyone experiences their grief differently, and it can share some features with grief that can make it difficult to discern between the two for the average person. If you are struggling to understand whether your loved one is experiencing a bout of grief or real depression, it might help you to learn the difference between the two.

When someone is experiencing grief their sadness and pain will appear in waves. They will be happy when the positive memories linger at the forefront of their minds and sad when they remember the loss. Major depression will appear as a complete change of mood and interest in activities for a period of greater than two weeks.
A person’s sense of self and self-esteem will remain at the same level as before the episode of grief. During the major depression, a person will experience a sharp decrease in their self-esteem. A depressive episode will conjure up feelings of worthlessness and the person might start hating themselves.

You see, there is a clear line drawn between being sad and suffering depression. Keep in mind that it is not uncommon for someone to slip into major depression at the loss of a loved one or a traumatic event happening. Sometimes what we perceive as simply grief may run much deeper than we actually know. If you are concerned about anyone you love being depressed, pay extra attention to their moods and their interest in their favorite activities. You might make the right decisions to help them come out of their depression.

So what puts you at risk for depression?

As I have mentioned before, anyone can suffer from major depression. However, there are some key factors that impact how likely we are to develop depression at some stage in our lives. For example:

Our biochemistry makeup is different in each of us. Some people have a specific makeup that makes them more susceptible to depression.
As with all illnesses, genetics plays a huge role. Depression is hereditary and can pass from generation to generation. A good example to explain this is that if you have a set of twins and one develops depression, then the other twin automatically has an estimated seventy percent chance of experiencing depression as well.
A person’s personality traits can also be a predictor of depression. For example, someone who suffers from low self-esteem is more likely to be susceptible to major depression. This includes people who find themselves overwhelmed by stressful situations and those who have a pessimistic view of the world.
Lastly, a person’s environment can contribute to their likelihood to be depressed. This is more often predicated by environments where there is a long exposure to violence or neglect, extreme abuse, and even poverty.

Is there more than one type of depression?

Yes, there are many types of depression, each with their own symptoms and problems that arise from suffering through it. The main types of depression related to major depression are:

Bipolar disorder
Seasonal depression—commonly known as seasonal affective disorder (SAD for short)
Peripartum depression—commonly known as postpartum depression
Persistent depressive disorder
Premenstrual dysphoric disorder

Understanding what depression is, what it looks like in a loved one, and how to treat it is one of the most important things you can do.

So how is depression treated?

The good news about depression is that it is a treatable illness. In fact, when it comes to mental illness, depression is one of the most easily treatable. An estimate of 85 percent of those who suffer from depression are able to respond well to the different forms of treatment that are available to them. If they don’t come through their depression 100 percent, there is at least alleviation of the pain and severity of their symptoms.

Before your loved one will get diagnosed with depression they must see a mental health professional—a self-diagnosis is not enough and can cause great harm in many cases. The health professional will conduct an interview, an evaluation of your loved one, and even a physical examination if they deem it necessary. The reason such extensive work is done is to make sure that the patient might not be suffering from a different illness that mimics the symptoms of depression. Family history and medical history are pertinent information during this time of the evaluation. Once the evaluation has been conducted and the health professional has diagnosed your loved one as having depression then there are several different treatment methods that may be available to them. You should familiarize yourself with the different methods so that you are not surprised or caught off guard when a loved one goes through it.

The most common way to treat depression is often through orally administered medication. More often it is a person’s biochemistry that leaves them more likely to suffer from depression. If this is the case, medication will help balance the brain’s chemistry and offset the negative emotions and feelings. The medication used for depression is not meant to subdue or create hyperactivity within a patient.

The medication that is used to treat depression is called an antidepressant. Generally, when a person who suffers from major depression starts taking antidepressants there is a slight improvement in their symptoms in the first two weeks of taking them. However, for a person to receive the full benefits of the antidepressants it will take an average of two to three months to fully kick in. Sometimes your loved one may show no improvement or feel no improvement within the first three weeks of taking antidepressants. In this instance, their psychiatrist will evaluate their dose and either change the dosage or change the antidepressant entirely.

It can be tempting to stop taking the medication once a person feels better and more like their old selves again. This is a mistake and the person on the antidepressants should take them for the full length their doctor recommended—this is normally a period of six months at least. Sometimes for those who suffer from extreme depressive episodes, a doctor might have the patient on a long-term plan for maintenance with antidepressants. This, however, is usually only reserved for patients who are at a higher risk of experiencing major depression.

Another method of treatment is known as psychotherapy. This is more commonly called talk therapy. When a person suffers from depression a health professional might elect to use this form of treatment instead. In some cases, psychotherapy is used in conjunction with antidepressants to give the patient the best chance of beating their depression.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is another type of therapy that has shown great strides in improving and treating depression. With CBT, only the present is focused on and a great deal of time is spent on problem-solving with the patient. This type of therapy helps a patient recognize their own corrupted thoughts and begin to make small changes to their thoughts and their behaviors.

Therapy is not always a singular thing, and at times a psychotherapy session might include family members or one specific loved one. This is beneficial to the person suffering from major depression, and it can also help solve issues that might be occurring in the patient’s interpersonal relations.

Another option is group therapy. This is where a group of patients who suffer from the same illness come together to work through their issues in a group environment. Depression can take on many different levels of severity and some might experience major depression at a more heightened level than others. Depending on how they experience their depression, your loved one could need therapy for 15 therapy sessions or more.

There is another therapy known as Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT). This is an extreme version of therapy that is reserved for the more severe cases of depression and bipolar disorder that have not responded to any conventional methods of treatment. During ECT, a patient is put under anesthesia and a small electrical current is sent to their brain to prompt stimulation. This treatment can carry on two or three times a week and last anywhere from six to 12 sessions. While it is not a new form of treatment, dating all the way back to the 1940s, many technological leaps have been made to perfect this form of therapy. This type of therapy must have a trained team of medical professionals to run it such as a psychiatrist, a nurse, a physician’s assistant, and an anesthesiologist.

Can a person cure themselves of depression?

This is a tricky question. Of course, someone can always put in work to improve their symptoms, but it is a long and hard battle. With that being said, many people manage to help themselves through depression with different self-help methods. Among the most common is to start exercising. A regular exercise pattern can help boost positive emotions within a person and improve their overall mood. Ensuring that they get enough sleep on a daily basis and that their diet is healthy and balanced is the top thing that people do to start pulling themselves back together again.

Alcohol is a critical substance to avoid when a person is depressed because it acts as a depressant and will only magnify a person’s feeling of worthlessness.

Don’t let your loved ones feel like they are not being heard. Depression is a very real and very serious illness, and it can result in death if it is left untreated. A proper diagnosis and schedule for treatment will significantly improve a person’s ability to recuperate from depression.

The Don’ts of Depression

Let us face it, watching a loved one deal with depression is difficult! Nobody has a rule book on how to handle it or what to do, and it can become a very confusing channel of waters to navigate. I understand that you want to do everything you possibly can to help your loved one out of their depression and back into their former selves. And you might be able to do that. However, before you dive in and focus on what you can do to help them, you need to be aware of what you should not do. This is important because you don’t want to end up causing more harm than doing good.

Please don’t take your loved one’s depression personally. Whether they are your friend, your lover, your parent, or a sibling you need to understand that it is not your fault they are depressed. It is nobody’s fault. There is no fault in depression. When your loved one begins to lash out at you whether in anger or frustration, remember that it is not at you specifically. They might cancel plans with you or show no interest in things they used to love doing with you. This is not a personal attack against you, it is their illness using them. Take time out for yourself when it becomes too much. Don’t let yourself react to their anger and you will deescalate the situation much quicker. Your emotions are tied up in this too, so remember that you don’t have to feel guilty for being emotionally drained.

Don’t blame them or yourselves for the situation that you both are in. It will do you the best in the long run. You might even want to talk to a therapist alone or with your loved one to help sort out the negative emotions you might be feeling as well. Solving issues in healthy constructive ways can help them see a way out of their depression.

Don’t attempt to fix what you see is wrong with them. You are not going to be able to diagnose and treat their depression. They need a professional for that. Depression is a serious illness and you want to make sure that your loved one has the best chance at pulling through. You might not understand what your loved one is feeling, and that is okay. It is hard to understand depression, especially if you have never experienced it yourself.

Avoid using phrases like “There are so many positive things in your life” or “Chin up, there is always a reason to smile.” These are not going to help your loved one and will only push them farther away with feelings of guilt. If you are having difficulty navigating through what to say and what not to say, then practice this tip: if it is not a good thing to say to a person with a physical illness, don’t say it to someone suffering from depression. If that fails, keep your words to yourself when you cannot offer up a positive word. You will not fix your friend but you can be positive around them.

Don’t give advice that is not asked for. Sometimes we mean well, but this can be the last thing someone suffering from depression wants. Yes, changes to their lifestyle like exercise and healthy eating can prompt them to begin feeling better, however, they might not want to hear this. When you badger them with advice it can make them shrink further into themselves. Remember that implementing change is hard when you are depressed.

We all mean well when we offer advice, however unsolicited advice can be like stepping on a thorn you didn’t know was under your foot. Allow your loved one to discover their own path out of their depression and be a supportive hand. Lend a hand when it comes to the dishes or cooking dinner, ask them to go out on a walk with you. Be inclusive in your suggestions rather than telling them what they should or should not be doing. When you practice empathy with someone who is struggling with depression, you have a better chance of reaching them.

Don’t tell them that they should or should not be taking medicine. This is the singular worst thing that you can do for someone with depression. Remember that your opinion is not the opinion of a trained mental health professional and it can be harmful to put your own ideas of medication into their heads. Medication is a tricky thing; it works for some people and it doesn’t work for others. Yes, there are side effects and some people don’t like that. However, there is a multitude of ways to treat depression so, don’t impose your opinion on how your loved one should treat their illness. You would not recommend a course of chemotherapy to a cancer patient, don’t recommend a course of treatment to someone with depression. A person’s course of treatment is a very personal thing, and it is something you should avoid touching on. Let them discuss their preferred methods with their healthcare professionals.
Don’t compare their experiences to another’s. Also, don’t minimize what they are feeling. It can be instinctive to compare one person’s illness to another’s, but this does more harm than good. You won’t find yourself connecting with your loved one when you take away from what they are experiencing. It can be tempting to tell them that you understand what they are going through, however, it is impossible to understand exactly how they feel as they handle their depression.

Remember that depression is not just sadness, but a major illness that can completely ruin the way a person sees themselves. It can last in the short-term or even occur over a number of years. It doesn’t help to compare their emotions to another person’s. Instead of focusing on words like “I understand” or “I’ve been there before” try to use words that indicate how you can’t imagine what they are going through. Let them know that you are there and that you will listen whenever they are ready.

When do I Intervene?

This is one of the hardest waters to navigate when it comes to depression. Do you, or don’t you intervene in your loved one’s illness? Remember that depression can lead to harmful thoughts about oneself, and if you recognize the downward spiral of your loved one’s emotions then it is time that you step in. You don’t want them to hurt themselves, but it can be difficult to determine if they are feeling suicidal. A few things to pay attention to that might let you know if your loved one is feeling suicidal are:

They talk about death or the idea of dying
They abuse substances like alcohol or drugs
They have diverse mood swings and their personality changes a lot.
They buy a weapon
They engage in dangerous behavior or unnecessary risks.
They push you or others away and want to be left alone
They emphasize their goodbyes to you
They mention that they are trapped or trying to find a way out
They start giving their things away like treasured items.

When a person with depression is suffering from suicidal thoughts it is imperative to step in and seek help for them. This could be you asking them to call their mental health doctor with you in the room or even asking if you can make that call for them.

Sometimes your loved one might not be set up with a therapist. There are crisis support lines that you can give them and have them talk or text to someone who can help. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. Alternatively, you can have them text the word “HOME” to the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. If you feel like this is a dire emergency, then get your loved one over to an emergency room and stay with them until you are sure that they are no longer feeling suicidal. Take away their access to drugs, weapons, and any other item they can use to harm themselves.

It can be tricky deciding when to intervene but try your best to keep open and honest conversations flowing with your loved one. You might simply ask them if they are thinking about suicide. It could open up a helpful dialogue for them. Make sure that they feel encouraged to see someone about it and that they feel positive about therapy. Don’t discourage their avenue of seeking help.

The Do’s of Depression

Now that you are well versed in the don’ts of depression and what depression looks like, it is time to get you familiarized with what you can do to help your loved one who is suffering from depression. The answers might seem simpler than you imagined.

Listen. Yes, it is as simple as listening to them. They need to know that you are there for them, and an easy way to do this is to open up a conversation with them. You can try telling them you noticed something was off about them or that they had a hard time. Ask what they are thinking about. They might or might not open up to you, but you need to let them know that you are there. Sometimes they don’t want to hear your advice, but they need you to listen. Pay attention to these needs. Asking them to talk to you might take several tries before they finally decide to open up to you. Allow them this space.
Help your loved one find support. They might not know that their illness is depression or if they do, they might not know where to begin looking for help. Be there for them and help them look for a therapist or help them make an appointment with one. Show that you are an active part of their journey back to health. Help them get ready for a meeting or session with a therapist. Keep encouraging them so that they don’t feel like an outcast for seeking professional help.
Encourage and support them to keep up with their therapy. It can be a rocky road until they begin to feel better and there are times when they might want to quit or not go to their appointments. Encourage them to keep going, be a positive force about their treatment. Remind them about the reason they are going and how the help makes them feel. This includes being positive about any medication they might be prescribed. It will be a new world for them and they need to know that you are there in support.
You must also remember to practice self-care. It is hard to think about yourself when someone you love is struggling with depression, but you need to remember that you can’t give from an empty cup. Take care of your own needs as well so that you can be there for your friend. You need energy for both yourself and their needs, so remember, do what you need to take care of yourself.

One way to practice self-care is to set boundaries for yourself. This can seem like a harsh thing to do, but boundaries are a healthy thing. Let them know if there will be certain times you won’t be available to talk but that you are still there for them. You might be all that this person has, in that case, make sure that you have a plan or someone else they can reach in the event that you are not available. Use the numbers to the National Suicide Prevention Helpline above as an alternative.

Set up times when you will come in and cook for them or help them with chores. You don’t have to be there every day. You can also ask if they are okay with having other people come in to support them. A bigger support network can be very helpful.

Remember at the end of the day to take some time for yourself. Take a bath. Take a day. Go for a walk on your own. Loving someone with depression is hard, so don’t let yourself get so caught up in their illness that you lose yourself.

The other thing you should do, which by the end of this article you should have the ins and outs of, is to learn about depression. Don’t wait to learn what you know from your loved one. Seek out the information you are curious about on your own. Your loved one doesn’t want to have to keep explaining their illness, their emotions, and their pain over and over again. That is not going to help them.

So, get the material you need to learn about the symptoms, causes, and the treatments for depression. Everyone experiences depression differently, so when you familiarize yourself with the general symptoms it can help you understand exactly what your loved one is experiencing.

Let them know you can help with simple tasks. This can be as easy as making dinner, getting them groceries, helping them make the bed, do laundry, or even pay some bills that might be piling up. Sometimes a simple helping hand can make all the difference to their day. Don’t ask them if there is something you can help with, but be proactive and ask them what is most pressing. Be specific in your offer to help. For example, if you notice that there are two electricity bills sitting unattended, ask your loved one if you can help them pay it. If you see their laundry piling up, offer to do it with them and not leave it to accumulate. The company can make a job or chore much more enjoyable for them.
Keep your invitations open and loose. Don’t give them deadlines to keep up with or make them feel guilty if they cancel on you. It can be hard for someone struggling with depression to keep up with social commitments but canceling always leaves them feeling guilty. This is why it is important to keep your invitations open and don’t stop inviting your loved one even if they cancel multiple times. When the invitations stop coming in then feelings of isolation begin to build. Make sure that your loved one knows you are there and that there is no pressure but you would love to have their company. Let them know that you will be happy whenever they feel up to seeing you. This takes the pressure off of them and also leaves them feeling included.
Patience will be your best friend during this time. Offer your friends all the time that they need in order to make their recovery. Treating depression is not an overnight resolution and therapy and medication might take both trial and error. Keep in mind that good days will happen and so will bad days. Some days they will make it out of the house and other days they might not make it past their door. Keeping your frustration at bay and showing them patience with their illness will help both of you as you navigate depression.