In a world where our thinking is dominated by what is appropriate, we worry about how to maintain the status quo of “you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours.” This can make us feel obliged to say yes to any and all requests—even when we really want to say no. People-pleasing is exhausting, and you end up sacrificing your happiness, your health, and your time just to satisfy a social construct. But is it really wrong to say no?
You are allowed to say no without making excuses. Knowing how to say no politely and effectively is a vital life skill. It would be best if you used it when appropriate. Declining when you don’t want to do something is not being rude, and saying no is your right.
In society, we are often ruled by constructs that seem to govern our decisions and actions. Yet, we are not slaves bound up by these, and it is our right to say no when we feel pushed into a choice or favor.
We have all been there when someone asks a favor, and we end up with the grudging “Ooookay. I’ll do it.” You may ask yourself how giving in felt at that moment. Did you feel empowered or did you feel like the person asking is no longer at the top of your Christmas list?
You do not have to say YES. Agreeing to something is your choice, and while people may manipulate, cajole, and beg, you can still say no. Dealing with the resulting anger, resentment, and social reaction is what often forces us to say yes when we mean no.
Saying no can be the most difficult thing to do.
Take this example: My friend asked if I would watch her kids while she went gift shopping for the holidays. Her regular nanny was sick, and she had nobody else. Oh, how I wanted to say no. I longed for those two letters with every fiber of my being.
True to social conditioning, I said yes, and as a result, spent a miserable five hours watching over three weepy, needy, and more than a little bit spoiled kids. By the end of the day, I was wondering if my friendship was merely based on my being convenient and if I even wanted to remain friends with my “good” friend.
What I did know was that I had now had more than enough, and I chose to spend less time around my friend in the future. By letting societal conditioning bully me into doing something I really hadn’t wanted, I felt unhappy, used, and resentful of my friend.
Saying no is considered one of many unspoken societal taboos. We are taught we should be helpful, that we have an obligation to be available to those around us, and rude when we do say no.
Just consider how few women propose marriage to their partners simply because it’s “not done.” We are controlled by society, and it’s disempowering. There is nothing wrong with politely declining.
If I had been brave enough to say no, things might have gone a bit differently. While she had proclaimed that she had nobody to watch her kids, I realized in hindsight that she did, in fact, have her folks and another friend who has kids of her own she could have asked. I was merely a convenient choice.
I felt suckered. Wouldn’t you?
Why and When Should You Say Yes or No?
Why do you want to say yes to everything? If you think about it, the reason you say yes is that you want to protect your relationships, and you fear losing people by saying no. However, are those people worth keeping if you have to say yes all the time?
A reality check is when you realize your time is being occupied by random people when you should be saving time for people who matter, like your family, close friends, and yourself. If you get infected with the disease to please and say yes to everything, you will become unable to say no to the irrelevant.
Saying no is hard, but losing the right to choose can be even worse. Top reasons for not saying no (when you should) include feeling pressured, believing it is the “right” thing to do based on the opinions of others, and coping out of taking a stand or not knowing where your boundaries lie.
Using your own good judgment and not falling for the “good guy” illusion society dictates you maintain will help you say no when it isn’t right for you to say yes. Like Julia Kristina says, this isn’t being rude. It is your right to say yes or no. Feeling pressured to say yes might be exactly when you should say no.
| Person | Importance in Your Life | Their Ask | Yes or No and Why |
| Bob, the neighbor | Medium value | “Please house sit for me this week?” | Yes, Bob returns the favor over Christmas when I’m away. |
| Lisa, my hairdresser | Average value | “Can I borrow some money?” | No, my relationship with her is business only, so no return. |
| James, my boss | High value | “Can you work late this weekend?” | Yes, I know there is a promotion coming, so I make the sacrifice to gain later. |
| John, my brother | High value | “Can you go shopping with Dad?” | No, it’s his turn, and I have plans to go see a friend. |
In these examples, the decision whether to say yes or no isn’t about being rude or not. Instead, it is about what works for me. If the “ask” outweighs the benefit, then the answer is no. If the “ask” is smaller than what is to be gained, I say yes. Saying no becomes an equation to be balanced.
Note that I don’t give in simply because of who asked, although their importance in my life increases the value of the gain. Saying yes just because it’s my family or my hairdresser will not make me happy. Resentment has a funny way of heaping up, and while I may seem like the most amazing person for saying yes to these people, I won’t be happy with them or myself.
Only Choose to Say Yes When …
Deciding when to say yes is an important life skill, but as a rule, you can consider these five guides:
- There is a clear benefit for you in saying yes
There is nothing wrong with only saying yes when it benefits you. This does not make you selfish. The payoff for your yes could include doing so because it makes you feel good; it means you will receive a favor in return or receive some other benefit such as an exchange or payment.
An example would include something like, “I’ll watch your kids today if you water my plants over the week that I am gone on holiday.”
- It feels right to do so (not because society tells you it is right)
When you instantly want to say yes, not because you feel obliged to say yes, and because you look forward to saying yes, you should do so. If you have any flickering feelings of “oh no,” then you shouldn’t say yes.
If you go on a date feeling like “I don’t want to be here,” you have said yes when you should have said no.
- It presents an opportunity for advancement
When there is a chance of some advancement for you in your career, in your community, or in your personal life, then you should say yes. Even if that yes means hard times with putting in extra effort for a while, then it is still worth it since you will reap the rewards later.
Saying yes for the right reason isn’t always fun. You might have to work longer hours due to agreeing to something, but you will enjoy a new job opportunity or free time in the future.
- Yes allows you to work on your dream
All too often we say yes, helping other people work on their dreams. If your yes will help you develop your dreams too, then you are on the right track. Be careful to avoid saying yes when it makes someone else’s dream a reality at the cost of yours.
Choosing times when saying yes improves your dreams or helps you realize them are great opportunities for agreeing. If I had been interested in having kids one day, then agreeing to look after my friend’s kids might have been an opportunity for me to see if I would be a good mother one day. I could have learned more about my dream of motherhood by saying yes.
- Say yes when it is for you
Interestingly enough, we tend to say no when it comes to ourselves and our requests. We say no when we want to buy a new outfit, when we want to go on holiday, when we want to have an extra slice of cake. We are harder on ourselves than on the rest of society. Saying yes to others means no to you.
Realizing that saying yes to yourself is not a sin goes hand in hand with saying no and not feeling guilty. If you can say yes to yourself, you will be able to enjoy saying yes more often, opening up your life to possibilities. While saying yes to yourself is sometimes difficult, it can be really easy to say it to others.
You want to go away for the weekend, but your friend asked if you will house-sit for her so she can go away. Reluctantly, you say yes to her (and no to yourself). This is an example of saying yes when you should say no to someone else.
… and Say No When …
These are some guidelines to help you decide when to say no and explain why saying no isn’t being rude:
- Say no … unless you want to say yes
We tend to say yes without even thinking. Break the norm and say no, unless you want to say yes. If you go through life with a view of saying no, this does not mean you shut doors. Instead, you are giving yourself permission to say no or at least think before saying yes.
When you really want to say yes, this is a sure indication that your yes will bring you a reward or some other payoff. If you reluctantly say yes, it means you should have said no. You are only saying yes to avoid appearing rude.
By setting your default response to no, you are giving yourself permission to decline by saying no. This means you look for reasons to say yes. It may feel strange at first, but soon you will begin to appreciate that you don’t have to say yes unless you want to.
Something to keep in mind here is that it is your right to say no. And you don’t have to elaborate or provide a reason. A simple no suffices. It’s not about asking permission to say no. Instead, you assert your power to say no.
- Avoid resentment fatigue
You should say no when you don’t want to do something as it can cause resentment. By continually saying yes to a friend, even when you don’t want to, you start to resent them. It can cost you the very friendship you are trying to preserve by saying yes in the first place.
By not saying no, you are causing negative emotions to build up, and soon, it will erupt and cause your good intentions to backfire on you. We see no as a rejection when really it’s only a decision that says “I can’t or don’t want to do this thing now.” What is so bad about that?
However, when you say yes when you don’t want to do something, you will associate that resentment with the person you are trying to please. This is tiring, and as a natural reaction, you will begin to avoid that person, wanting to hide the resentment you are now burdened with.
Resentment fatigue is essentially emotional burnout, and you may notice symptoms such as avoiding the person who causes it, stress, irritability, and apathy. Soon, you will stop caring about that person, but you are stuck in the yes cycle, so you keep on saying yes when you should have stopped giving a long time ago.
- Save yes for when it matters
If you think of yes as being a scarce commodity instead of your required behavior, you will be more cautious of simply saying yes. This means you can say yes and mean it when it matters.
Always reminding yourself that when you say yes to one thing you are saying no to something else helps you keep focus and decide what matters. If your friend asks you to babysit, it means you have to say no to going out or sleeping in (which you may need to rest and destress). You are saying no to yourself to avoid being “rude” to your friend. But what about being “rude” to yourself?
Time to get yourself off the backburner and start being polite to you instead of avoiding perceived rudeness to others by saying no.
So, Why Don’t People Say No?
In a nutshell, we say yes because it’s easier than making up a white lie or explaining why you can’t do something. We are so convinced that we will not be liked when we say no that we believe saying no is the same as telling someone off or being rude. It isn’t.
People don’t say no because they believe:
- It’s rude
Have you noticed that on the rare occasion you do say no, you immediately want to apologize? It usually goes like, “Oh, I’m sorry, I can’t” or “I’m sorry, no, that won’t be possible.” Why do we have to say we are sorry?
Saying no isn’t rude. It isn’t negative just because you can’t agree to something. Consider the following examples for whether they are negative or not:
“I can’t make breakfast tomorrow.” Perhaps you can make it today?
“No, I can’t go with you to the mall right now.” Maybe you can go with someone else?
“No, I can’t lend you $20.” Perhaps you don’t have the money?
No is not an insult. It isn’t about the person who asked. It is about what you can and can’t do. However, we instantly want to make it personal when it isn’t.
- It’s letting someone down
We say yes because we believe we are the only option, when really, we are usually just the most convenient one. Saying no is not the end of the world for the person who asked. They are not solely dependent on you for support.
Just like a beggar asking for donations isn’t solely responsible for your change, your friends aren’t solely dependent on your help, care, assistance, and effort. The world doesn’t revolve around you alone. If you can’t or don’t want to do something, it isn’t the end of the world.
Feeling like you are letting someone down is often what manipulators rely on. They cajole you into saying yes when you really wanted to say no. This doesn’t make for a happy fellowship.
- No is seen as a rejection
Since birth, we’ve been told no. We are conditioned to believe it is a negative word. Yet, your parents said no to stop you from getting hurt. Responding negatively is not nasty or harsh. Often, there are good reasons to say no, but people are conditioned to see it as a rejection.
Declining something is not an indication of how you feel about the person asking. Saying no isn’t personal, so don’t see it as such by believing no is a rude word. You are not impolite, nasty, or discourteous by declining to do something.
Knowing what you feel comfortable saying yes to is determined by many factors, and when you are aware of what you need to say no to, your yes will be all the more powerful. People-pleasing diminishes your power, and by saying no, you can reclaim your power to be assertive and self-determining.
How to Say No
Saying no can seem incredibly daunting. Yet, it is not as complicated as you believe, and you can do it gracefully and with kindness to save all parties involved from embarrassment and avoid emotional blowups.
What to Do When Saying No
There are many opinions on how to say no. Deciding which technique works best will depend on the person asking your help, their ask, the situation, and your ability to stick to your guns. When saying no, you should:
- Make eye-contact
When saying no, you should maintain eye-contact with the person asking for something. This helps your decision appear more affirmative and prevents unnecessary pressure to conform.
Making eye-contact gives you credibility and helps you avoid the unnecessary stress of having to say no twice. You not only seem more convinced of your answer, and you ward off second asks because your first no didn’t seem to be the final no.
- Speak clearly and avoid apologies
Being clear about what you want and don’t want is a characteristic to cultivate. When you don’t clearly state your intentions, you leave the door open to “negotiation” by the person who is asking you something. This negotiation is nothing other than them trying to persuade, bully, or convince you into doing what you don’t want to.
Apologies present your will as being weak. Jordan Peterson, renowned psychoanalyst, refers to this weakness as being a fundamental character flaw. While you can be kind, this doesn’t mean you need to simply give in to other people’s demands. Apologizing means you think you are wrong for saying no. Don’t do it.
Say no if it is right for you to do so, and stick to it.
- Be helpful with alternative suggestions
While you can be strict in your no, you can still be kind and offer a helpful alternative suggestion. If someone asks to borrow money, you can say no, but you can also offer that they get a job from someone you know, or you can suggest they look at what skills they can market.
We can’t all have bright ideas, and when people ask for things, they are often indirectly asking for advice more than just things. Empowering people by saying no and giving a helpful suggestion instead is effective, and in the end, more meaningful to them.
- Remain polite
Saying no to someone doesn’t mean you are being rude. It doesn’t mean you are unhelpful or unsympathetic. You can remain polite when you decline a request. However, avoid the habitual “No, I’m sorry.” You are not sorry, and you don’t have to be sorry. You can say no politely without apologizing.
Use your tone of voice, clear facial expression, and body language to say no, mean it, but remain respectful of the other person’s needs and the awkward position they are in. Looking at the way in which people say no to a homeless person begging for money is an enlightening way of seeing this in action.
Those who walk away, briskly brushing off the beggar’s request is an example of rudeness. Even though you may not want to give money to the homeless person, you can still acknowledge their humanity by making eye contact, offering a moment of connection by smiling slightly, or even sparing two seconds of your time to listen.
When you say no, you don’t need to be mean to get your point across.
- Maintain your boundaries
Knowing yourself helps you know what you are willing to do and what pushes on your boundaries. We all should have an awareness of our boundaries. These are the barriers that protect us from being put into an uncomfortable position or forced to do something we don’t like. You could think of them as morals, though it goes further than this.
If you know that you don’t like giving relationship advice, you will know this to be a boundary you don’t cross. So, when someone asks you for relationship advice, you can comfortably say no. If you don’t like doing favors like letting someone use your assets or stay over for a weekend when you’re away, then you can say no, mean it, and stick to it.
Boundary awareness takes some of the thinking out of your evaluation process, it helps you avoid being drawn into questionable requests, and makes your answer so much simpler. Saying no is how you maintain your boundaries. It ensures that people respect your answer.
This is like the biblical “let your yeah be yeah, and your nay be nay.” It builds steadfast character, and it helps people respect you, know that you are dependable when you do say yes, and honest when you say no.
Finding Your Boundaries
Knowing where your boundaries lie will help you say no. They will enable you to know what is important to you, what you feel comfortable doing, and what you don’t.
While none of us like being pushed into a situation where we need to say no, it is helpful to our process of finding our boundaries. Every time someone asks for something, you need to think about it, consider if you feel comfortable doing as requested, and decide whether you will give in or say no.
Boundaries help you decide and say no without the mountain of guilt descending on you, which invariably can change a no to a grudging yes. Here are some boundaries you can maintain to help you fend off unreasonable requests:
- Intellectual boundaries
- Emotional and physical boundaries
- Social boundaries
- Spiritual boundaries
These boundaries protect you from being made to risk your mind, your feelings, your body, your friends, and your soul by requests you don’t know how to deny. Saying no maintains these aspects of your selfhood, and it is important to do so if you want to live a life of integrity.
Politely and Effectively
Another conditioned phrase we use is “no, thanks.” This response is a good one to use though. We can say no, thank the person for their efforts, and move on. This is polite and effective.
Sometimes a no isn’t a full no, and with good reason. You may be asked to do something that if you push yourself, you might do. Saying no with conditions helps you to be helpful, but on your terms. If my friend asks if I can help her by looking after her kids at the function we’re both going to, I may say no, but offer to drive them all there as this doesn’t put me out and it gives me an excuse to leave the function early.
Your no should serve you, it shouldn’t be mean, and it should clearly define who you are and what you accept. No can be your most powerful asset. Do so with strength, kindness, and firmness and you will earn the respect of your peers.
Excuse Me, But I Can’t … Questions on “NO”
- How do you say no without being rude?
Saying no is not rude. You have the right to say it straight, telling someone no when they want something you can’t or don’t want to do or give. Remain calm and in a power position. You are not asking them for approval of your no. It’s your decision.
- How do you say no in a difficult situation?
When you feel obliged to help it can be hard to say no. Decide in yourself what is right for you. Don’t let social conditioning rule your choice or you will resent the person asking. Be polite, know why you are saying no, and hold onto your values.
The Final Say Is … No
Finding your no is an important part of life. It helps you realize who you are, who your true life supporters are, and what your ability to decline is. The choice of whether to say yes or no is yours. You have the final say, and you should be respected for it.
Knowing why and when you should say no will help you say no in a polite and gracious manner. Kindness and no are not the strange bedfellows society makes them out to be. Sometimes, saying no is the kindest thing you can do. It allows people to find a better way, to become self-reliant, and to shine in adversity.
Being able to say no, stick to it, validate the other person by listening to them and their request is an exercise in power. You have power when you say no, and you help the other person find their power.
How you say no determines if you are being rude or not. Saying no does not have to come with a burden of guilt, and it will help you avoid the mountain of resentment that comes from being forced into a yes.